"Control, control. You must learn control."

Jedi Mom Tip of the Week: Discipline, Consistency and the Time-out Towel

A Jedi must be skilled in may ways, but above all, he must master the art of Self-Discipline. This is a key component of becoming a Jedi Master and your job is to teach this to your little padawan younglings. Before they can become proficient in Self-Discipline, you must show them what Discipline looks like. 

Discipline can be a tricky concept, whether your kids are "normally developing/neurotypical" or special needs in some way. But there are some basic parenting truths that transcend almost any challenge your child can throw at you. 

One of them is CONSISTENCY. This is the most effective parenting strategy in the playbook. The best part is, it's FREE. The challenging part is, it's the hardest one to master. Kids have this way of knowing exactly which buttons of ours to push, and some kids are natural-born-Olympic-button-pushers. That being said, the only way to maintain control of your house, and your sanity, is to be consistent. 



All that really means is, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO. You must be deeply committed to your standards as a parent and you must be willing to hold your kids to a standard. It's a scary line to walk as a parent. We don't want to put so much pressure on our kids that we doom them to failure, but if you don't treat your kids as though you expect them to be smart, to follow rules, to behave and learn, it will teach them that they are incapable of these things. Your children are bright and capable. Have high expectations for them. It's okay. Treat them like the people you want them to become and show them that you know they can do it by expecting them to. 

We've all met those parents, the ones who make dozens of empty threats but never follow through. They are full of I'm-warning-you's and If-you-do-that-one-more-time's, they holler and stamp their feet and get angry, but they never actually do anything more than pump out hot air.

Or maybe you've been at the park with that passive aggressive mom, who really wants to be the boss but genuinely can't stand the thought of sounding "mean" or causing her kids to "hate" her. It's time to leave but her child just isn't ready to go. She'll warn, she'll try to reason with her kid. "Okay, honey, ten more minutes and then we'll go?" - "Jimmy, seriously sweetie, it's time to go now." - "Lisa, baby, don't make me count." They talk in a voice that's coated in chocolate and covered in sugar and their kids just eat them for dinner. 

Heck, let's be honest, I don't think I have ever met a single parent that hasn't done this at least once.

But your kids will never take you seriously if you don't take yourself seriously. And it's your job to teach your kids that there are boundaries, that life isn't always going to cater to them and entertain them, and that there are consequences for their actions.

Mom, listen up, setting clear guidelines for your child and then sticking with them isn't mean. It's not always your job to be fun. It is, however, up to you to raise a functioning, well rounded, independent person. So cut yourself some slack and don't be afraid to stand your ground. 

So, where do I start? 

HOUSE RULES BOARD:
First, are the rules at your house clear? 
How can your child know what's expected if you're not making it clear. Just because you think that good or acceptable behavior is obvious, doesn't mean that it is to your children. "No Biting" may seem like an obvious rule. But if your 3yo just bit your 6yo, then that's a clear indication it's not obvious to her. So, set some clear boundaries and put them in writing. 

When your children are young, make them simple and easy, four or five basic concepts that are broad enough to encompass a multitude of behaviors but specific enough to be clear. If you are too broad it will confuse your child, If you are too specific, your child will find a loop hole. 
Here are some examples, and why they work (but seriously, do whatever works best in your house):

1. Have Happy Hands -This can apply to violence towards others or damage to property, so it encompasses a lot of scenarios.

2. Use Nice Words -This can mean things like "no naughty words" or "no name calling", but it can also mean "no arguing with mommy". It can also apply to tone of voice - see, versatility.

3. Use Listening Ears -Teaching your child to pay attention and make eye contact will do wonders for you... I promise. If you give your child an instruction, make sure they heard you by getting down to their level, making eye contact, speaking clearly and then ask them to repeat you. This is also about following directions.


4. No Whining -Don't wrap this up with "nice words", it's almost always a big enough issue that it warrants special attention. If you think you don't have a whiny child, give it time, you will.


If your child has a specific issue that keeps recurring, feel free to add that, but choose your battles. So, if your kid is sometimes too rough with your family pet, even after warnings, that falls under "Happy Hands" and "Listening ears", but if your kid is biting people, a lot, you may want to give "No Biting" it's own line. 

Sit down together and make your rules board (poster board, markers). Write the rules clearly and explain them to your child. If your child can't read, you'll want to add pictures that help provide them with a VISUAL CUE of the rule. Have your child help you match the pictures to the rules and then tape or glue them to your board next to the rule they match. Then maybe your child can decorate the rule board with stickers or glitter. 

*Making them a part of the process also helps them take ownership of the rules and teaches them a sense of personal responsibility (remember, we are teaching our children Self-Discipline by using effective Parental Discipline).


As your child gets older and his understanding and language become more complex, feel free to be more specific about your rules, but in a household with young children this same set of rules that you create can apply to everyone. 

**Make sure your rules are realistic and something that you can and WILL follow up with. Also make sure that you're going to follow the rules, too. Don't say, "Use nice words" and then scream at your kids or call them names. Lead by example. 

IMPORTANT: Pick your battles. Try to remember, they're KIDS. They have a TON of energy, their emotions are all over the place and they're still learning this stuff. Be patient. This is NOT your excuse to freak out every time your kids are being, well, kids. Time-Out is for behavior that is serious and needs correction. If you use Time-Out for every little time your kids are loud, irritating or just acting like kids, it will confuse them and it won't be effective. Be attentive and present when you are with your children. If you think a situation is escalating, assess it. If your kids are just being rowdy kids, or maybe you're feeling tired or crabby, try gentle reminders like "please use your inside voice" or redirecting their behavior before it escalates further by taking a break for snack time or sending them outside. 

Hang your rules up where everyone can see them clearly.

So what happens when Tina breaks a rule? 

TIME-OUT: 

Give ONE warning. 
Make it CLEAR. 
Get down on your child's level, look them in the eye (maybe ask them to "turn on their listening ears") and tell them, "This is your warning. Throwing your sister's toys is not acceptable. Next time you will go to Time-Out." 

Drop the tone of your voice and make sure your voice is even and stern (ladies, do not do that thing where you end every sentence like it's a question, and NO BABY TALK.) No need to yell or scream. If you feel angry, control your emotions (remember, we lead by example, if you throw a tantrum, she will, too). 

Now here's where CONSISTENCY comes in (see above). If she throws even ONE MORE of her sister's toys, you will go and gently but firmly take her by the hand and walk her to the time-out spot. (Remember, only ONE warning. You're serious. Stand your ground.)

Get down to her level, make eye contact, and firmly and clearly tell her, "Throwing your sister's toys is a wrong choice. In this house, we use Happy Hands. You are in time-out, you can get up in X minutes when the timer beeps." 
Then WALK AWAY and leave her there. (Make sure when you're telling them what NOT TO DO, you also remind them what they CAN DO. And using the same language you used on your HOUSE RULES BOARD will reinforce those concepts.) 

How long should time-out last? 
A good rule of thumb is one minute for every year of the child's age.  (4 minutes for a 4yo.)

What happens if she won't stay in time-out?
She won't. At least not at first. Expect that. 

WARNING: Your kids will HATE this. Hang in there, stand your ground, you are the adult and you can totally win this. They may cry, they may scream, they make say very angry things to you. IGNORE THEM and KEEP YOUR COOL. 
















The FIRST time she gets up, walk her back, get down to her level, make eye contact and remind her in much more succinct way, "Tina, you are in time out for throwing toys. You must stay in time out until the timer beeps." THEN WALK AWAY and IGNORE HER.  Start the timer over. 

(Again, better to try and use positive language than negative - so, "you must stay in time out" as opposed to "you may not get up from time out" --- POSITIVE LANGUAGE is much more effective and will reinforce what you're trying to teach and will teach them use positive language, too.)

PLEASE NOTE: Your kid will probably get up more than once!

Every time she gets up after the first time, DO NOT SAY A WORD. Simply walk (or carry) her back to time out and then WALK AWAY and IGNORE HER. If she screams, ignore it. Don't respond. Don't answer her. Don't even look in her direction (she's not hurt, she's pissed off, she'll get over it, I promise. This is called PLANNED IGNORING and we can cover it in another "Jedi Mom Tip".) Then start the timer over. Don't add extra time (it's doesn't change from 4 minutes to 8 because you're angry) but make sure you start the time from the beginning when you get her back to the Spot. 

DO THIS FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR HER TO STAY ON THE SPOT FOR THE ENTIRE TIME OUT. This may take ten minutes, or it may take an hour. You can expect this to take a few days, maybe a week, maybe several weeks before your child willingly accepts their fate and cooperates with you. This will vary based on your child's level of stubbornness, how new this type of clear discipline is to your household, and how consistent you are.

What happens next?
Okay, so Zack made it through the whole three minutes and didn't get up (finally, yay Mom, good for you! woooo-hooo!).  When the timer beeps, go to him, get down on his level, make eye contact and remind him gently why he was there. "Zack, yelling at Mommy is a wrong choice. I need you to use Nice Words. Please tell Mommy you're sorry." After he says he's sorry, tell him you forgive him and how much you love him, give him a big ole' hug and then MOVE ON. Go on about your day. Don't bring it up again. 

If you still FEEL frustrated, go in the other room and take a deep breath. Calm down. (We'll get you a calm down jar -ask about it if you don't know what it is). Once it's over, it's OVER. He's been successfully disciplined and we move on. Each issue is it's own. 





WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
-A TIMER
-A TIME OUT SPOT (----The Time-Out Towel---) <---click the link to find these on Amazon

You'll need a timer and a designated Time-Out spot. 

I suggest using the Timer on your phone or watch so that you will have it with you every where you go. 

Your spot should be somewhere away from the chaos but where you can still see her... the foot of the stairs, the floor by the sofa. I wouldn't suggest putting your child (especially a really young child) in a chair or on the sofa. That's an invitation to climb it, or, even worse, fling themselves from it in a fit of manipulative rage. That's why I suggest the TIME-OUT TOWEL. Put down a red towel (or whatever color, at our house we actually use a small monkey rug) or something similar that looks different than anything else in the house. 

Even if you get this down to a fine art in your home, the first time you're away from the house and the "time out spot" your kid will KNOW it and they will use that as the optimal time to test these new boundaries. 

That's the genius of the Time-Out Towel.
I say use a dish towel because you can buy them ANYWHERE, and in bulk (in case they get lost or ruined) and they're portable! You can carry them with you in your purse/car/gym bag/diaper bag etc so that you can follow through no matter where you are in the world (that's right Mom, no excuses to give in or be inconsistent). Then when your child starts really arguing with you in Walmart, you can stop the cart right there and implement Time-Out. (*If your child really starts throwing a tantrum, leave the store and finish your shopping later - more about this in another blog to come.) The more CONSISTENT you are, the faster this will work and the more effective this will be. 

HOLD THE PHONE! You want me to do this EVERYWHERE? Even in PUBLIC?!
Do you want to teach your children that you only mean what you say when it's convenient? 

But other people might stare, or even give us dirty looks?
Yep. They probably will. So what? 
Ignore them. They're not raising your children. Don't let the rudeness of other people get in the way of your excellent parenting. Maybe if their moms had been more consistent with them, they would have better manners.



So, there it is. 

And if you mess up, don't worry about it.This parenting stuff is REALLY hard!  Dust yourself off and get back on track. Stick with it. This will take a while to get it perfect, and may take days or weeks to get your kids fully on board, especially if this kind of structure is a new concept in your home, but it's WORTH IT. If your kids see that you mean business, they'll respect you and they'll appreciate the boundaries. 

Hang in there! You're doing great. 

*Note, all caregivers in the home need to be consistently following this same protocol. You're a team. Support each other. Work together, win together. 

“I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the wookiee win.”

Lorelai is really "into" patterns. She looks at life like a series of puzzles. Everything can be arranged into a sequence or system, organized and made sense of. One of our little patterns, or, routines, is to read through this backpack full of books she has. It's always the same books, always in order, and always in a loop until one of us, the parents, ends it and distracts her with something else. It starts with "Pinkalicious" as a warm up, and then we go to "If you give a mouse a Cookie" and we read through all of those books ("Give a Pig a Party", "Give a Cat a Cupcake" etc.). I think she loves those books because they are also a great play on cause and effect and that every action has a reaction and a consequence. They speak her language. Their rhythm is soothing and familiar to her. That rhythm, though, is catchy as hell. Since I have that nonsense stuck in my head, I decided to get it out. So, here you go.

If you give a Lorelai a juice box, chances are, she's going to ask for a snack to go with it.

So you'll take her to the kitchen, and she'll ask to go "Up in the mommy" so she can take fifteen minutes to touch everything while she tries to choose something out of the pantry.

She'll eventually choose the "circles" (Froot Loops) so you'll put her in her high chair.

When you give her the "circles" she'll want to sort them into groups. "Three red circles." "Four blue circles." "Two yellow circles." Then, she might notice that there are no purple circles.

When she notices there are no purple ones, she'll tell you purple is spelled P-U-R-P-L-E. Then she'll want you to listen to her spell the names of everyone she knows. Then she'll want to sing the Name Game.

You'll do Johnny, Johnny bo Bonny and Daddy, Daddy bo Baddy, and Oscar, Oscar bo Boscar, and Grandpa, Grandpa bo Bandpa, and Taylor, Taylor bo Baylor and Brittany, Brittany bo Bittany and eventually you'll make it through every friend and family member and start doing the names of the characters in her favorite shows.

Singing about Spongebob will make her want to watch the "Spongebob Christmas Special" (again). Then she'll want Spongebob fruit snacks.

You will be all out of Spongebob fruit snacks, and, after a brief Mommy panic attack, you will remember what Dr. Awesome tells you to try and you will give her a choice. Princess Fruit Snacks or Shark Bites? She will answer, "Spongebob". You will ask again, "Avengers Fruit Snacks or Nemo Bites"? She will answer, "Spongebob."

So you'll decide to go to the store.

She'll need to put on socks and shoes.  "First one goes on the right foot, then one goes on the left foot."

Next, she'll get "blanket and Olivia". Then she'll have to go to the car.

You'll remember that you need to try run some errands while you're out. So you'll grab a lunch bag full of nutrigrain bars, dum dums, juice boxes, raisins and goldfish, a charger for the tablet, and the visual schedule along with all the stickers you've made for the potential stops along the way. You hurriedly arrange the schedule and follow her out the door.

Before you leave the driveway you will show her the schedule tell her about her morning. "Publix, Post Office, Johnny's School." This will get the map song from Dora stuck in your head. All. Day.

Your first stop will be at the grocery store. You will have walk slow and hold hands while she spells all the words she sees. "O-P-E-N spells open." "W-E-T spells wet."

Since you chose to go to Publix, she will ask to drive in the race car. It will be "Lorelai's turn" to buckle her seat belt. It will be the only race car left and it will have a bum wheel so that it only makes smooth left turns forcing you to use all the strength in your body to keep it from veering off course and taking out the ankles of everyone you pass.

She will want to drive the race car to the bakery for a "sprinkle cookie". You will need to try very hard to see the cookie window before she does. If they do not have sprinkle cookies, you will start to really sing and dance like an off-Broadway Cookie Monster about how awesome chocolate chip is, to avoid a meltdown.

She will probably still have a meltdown.

Good thing you brought the tablet.

Playing on her tablet will calm her down and the music and games will remind her that she likes to sing. She will want to sing happy songs very loudly, because she has no inside voice. A sweet, but unfamiliar lady will hear her singing tell her she's cute and try to talk to her. This will make her instantly very nervous and very quiet and she will want to get out of the race car and crawl underneath your shirt like a creepy joey.

You'll carry her, exhausted, through the last few aisles, while struggling with the wonky race car cart and finally make your way to the check out line. There will be at least three people in front of you. She will see a bag of M&M's on the impulse rack and try to grab it and you will try as calmly and firmly as you can to tell her "No" (while hiding your terror as you brace yourself for the inevitable results). She will erupt, unconcerned with the watching eyes (she's still upset about the cookie and the strange lady). You will try to pretend you can't tell they're all staring at you while you try to distract her from the meltdown with a tablet she no longer wants.

Then, someone's phone will ring and their ring tone will be Maroon 5. She will stop and notice, and while catching her breath from her most recent meltdown, will ask you, "Mommy can we listen to Moves like Jagger?"

So you rush back to the car, where you will listen to "Moves Like Jagger". And then you will listen to "the Starfish song" (Starships, Nicki Minaj). And then you will listen to "Boom Boom Pow". And then you will listen to "We are never getting back together". This will continue for the rest of the trip.

As you are leaving Publix, you might pass a McDonald's. When she sees the McDonald's, she's going to ask you for some nuggets. "6-piece nuggets."

And chances are, if you skip the Post Office and decide to order nuggets, she's going to want a juice box to go with them.

Get the nuggets, get the juice box, you can't handle the Post Office and the grocery store in one day.

When you get home, she'll notice you left the TV on. Seeing Spongebob will remind her that she wanted Spongebob fruit snacks.

This will remind YOU, far too late, that Spongebob fruit snacks are the entire reason you left the house to begin with.

Pulling out the big guns, you will distract her with some Playdough and realize it's only 10am.

Happy Monday.

Laugh, or laugh not. There is no cry.

My therapist suggested I write a blog. 

Okay, she's not actually MY therapist. She's my daughter's behavior therapist. The suggestion came in an email, where Dr. Awesome sent me a link to story from another mom's blog, which was *super hilarious* and prefaced it by saying, "I know comic relief is often therapeutic, and judging by most of our sessions, I gather you probably feel the same way!" and then closed out the email with, "Once we can get you more than 5 minutes in front of your laptop without any interference, you totally need to write your own blog to keep it real too!" (Read: no pressure at all.) 

If I didn't love this woman almost more than I love my own mother and my husband combined, I may have received this suggestion like a back-handed slap. Firstly, because who likes to be told by a medical professional that their problems are funny enough to share with the entire group? But the truth is, we do spend most of our sessions laughing. I mean really laughing. Sometimes she has to break out the asthma inhaler and I start to feel a little guilty for trying to kill her (and a little proud of myself for being such a comic genius without even trying). Secondly, because when am I ever going to get "5 minutes in front of my laptop without any interference"?? I think that part was probably meant to be her own little joke. I mean, sure, we are working on it. In fact, that's probably the largest, most immediate goal of our therapy sessions. However, she, of all people should know that unless I want to wait until midnight and skip a shower, that's NOT going to happen for a pretty long time. 

But, I love our doctor and I know she loves me and wants me to be happy. And, I think she's probably right. It probably wouldn't hurt to put some of this out there (it's better than swallowing it down and processing it into ulcers, after all). But in lieu of alone time with my laptop, I'm actually writing this now with Olivia blaring in the background and my daughter physically attached to my hip. I've had to start and stop half a dozen times so she can watch the same YouTube video over and over and over (and over and over and over) again. Apparently some genius strategically set clips from Spongebob Squarepants to the Black Eyed Peas song "Boom Boom Pow".... I'll have to write him a Thank You note and offer him some more constructive suggestions for how he can use his time. 

Lorelai, my three-year-old (yes, she's three, so that should be enough of a challenge, right?!?!?) is not only equipped with a healthy diva complex (I have NO idea where the hell she gets that), but also happens to have PDD-NOS, a pretty severe anxiety disorder, and, if all that weren't enough, she's smarter than I am. She and her brother are skillful little Jedi and my daily struggle is not to be bested by my younglings. The "attached at the hip" thing is one of the main reasons (not the only reason by far, but one of the main reasons, certainly) that we visit Dr. Awesome. My daughter has decided that the only way to be happy is to be on me. Seriously. ON me. If she could do that thing where you lay feet to feet and hand to hand and have every inch of her touching every inch of me she probably would. And that's on a "good" day. On what I like to affectionately refer to as one of her more autistic days, she'd crawl all the way back up into my womb if she could find the way. 

Now, maybe it's a case of being "careful what you wish for." My son never had this problem. Johnny, who is 6, never had a "Mommy" phase. He has never wanted me "most" - except maybe the first few mornings at daycare but even then it was a quick recovery followed by a MOM-PUHLEEZE-you're-embarrassing-me-face any time I wanted a kiss goodbye, which, in a 2.5 year old, is both impressive and depressing. In fact his preferred "drugs of choice" have always been Grandma and Grandpa and I have come to find that I will always play third fiddle (Dad plays second fiddle, but I understand that, Dad is cool as hell). Let's face it, they're more fun than I am. I like their house better, too. It's like somebody took all the best food in the store, transplanted it into an arcade and then mixed in two thirds of a Toys-R-Us. Who can compete with that? Besides, I've convinced myself to look at the positive side here; without any of those pesky "mother issues" the odds are very slim that he'll end up in my basement until he's 35. Right?!

But, like any mom and true perfectionist, I like to be the best. So when my little princess came along and clearly preferred me to just about anything else, including breathing, I thought it was endearing and sweet and used to brag about how awesome I must be for her to love me SO much. Then it got kind of scary. When they're babies and they are breast feeding, fine. But it eventually got to a point where I would not have been surprised in the least to find her breath and teeny hand prints on the glass outside my bedroom window. No mom expects to go to bathroom alone, EVER, but you would think you could at least do it without having someone else on your lap. True story.

So, I go to Dr. Awesome. I word-vomit all my troubles at her, then she sifts through the spaghetti nonsense and tries to help teach me the ways of the Force and how to ultimately conquer my children and keep my title as the Master Jedi in my own home. At the very least I'm hoping for enough skills to mitigate the dysfunction. She gives me these really awesome, Supernanny-esque tips on how to run my children and my home, then Lorelai finds the loop holes and we have to start over. My constant defeat at the hands of my genius children (I know, every mom thinks her kids are geniuses, but seriously, ask the doctors, my kids really are, especially the tiny one) is a great learning tool for everyone involved, but also the source of some richly dark comedy.

Well, let's be frank, as moms we have two choices; we can laugh or we can cry. It's often times a very fine line between the two, which is what makes the comedy so dark. If you're willing to, however, laughing about it is so much more fun, and if we're being honest, people would much rather be around you when you're laughing than when you're bitching so it seems like the obvious choice... even if the laughing often sounds maniacal. 

So, I am taking Dr. Awesome's advice and inviting you to laugh with me. I welcome your own stories and anecdotes about parenting and I hope we can all have a good laugh together at each other's expense. 

Love, Jedi Mom.