A Jedi must be skilled in may ways, but above all, he must master the art of Self-Discipline. This is a key component of becoming a Jedi Master and your job is to teach this to your little padawan younglings. Before they can become proficient in Self-Discipline, you must show them what Discipline looks like.
Discipline can be a tricky concept, whether your kids are "normally developing/neurotypical" or special needs in some way. But there are some basic parenting truths that transcend almost any challenge your child can throw at you.
One of them is CONSISTENCY. This is the most effective parenting strategy in the playbook. The best part is, it's FREE. The challenging part is, it's the hardest one to master. Kids have this way of knowing exactly which buttons of ours to push, and some kids are natural-born-Olympic-button-pushers. That being said, the only way to maintain control of your house, and your sanity, is to be consistent.
All that really means is, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO. You must be deeply committed to your standards as a parent and you must be willing to hold your kids to a standard. It's a scary line to walk as a parent. We don't want to put so much pressure on our kids that we doom them to failure, but if you don't treat your kids as though you expect them to be smart, to follow rules, to behave and learn, it will teach them that they are incapable of these things. Your children are bright and capable. Have high expectations for them. It's okay. Treat them like the people you want them to become and show them that you know they can do it by expecting them to.
We've all met those parents, the ones who make dozens of empty threats but never follow through. They are full of I'm-warning-you's and If-you-do-that-one-more-time's, they holler and stamp their feet and get angry, but they never actually do anything more than pump out hot air.
Or maybe you've been at the park with that passive aggressive mom, who really wants to be the boss but genuinely can't stand the thought of sounding "mean" or causing her kids to "hate" her. It's time to leave but her child just isn't ready to go. She'll warn, she'll try to reason with her kid. "Okay, honey, ten more minutes and then we'll go?" - "Jimmy, seriously sweetie, it's time to go now." - "Lisa, baby, don't make me count." They talk in a voice that's coated in chocolate and covered in sugar and their kids just eat them for dinner.
Heck, let's be honest, I don't think I have ever met a single parent that hasn't done this at least once.
But your kids will never take you seriously if you don't take yourself seriously. And it's your job to teach your kids that there are boundaries, that life isn't always going to cater to them and entertain them, and that there are consequences for their actions.
Mom, listen up, setting clear guidelines for your child and then sticking with them isn't mean. It's not always your job to be fun. It is, however, up to you to raise a functioning, well rounded, independent person. So cut yourself some slack and don't be afraid to stand your ground.
So, where do I start?
HOUSE RULES BOARD:
First, are the rules at your house clear?
How can your child know what's expected if you're not making it clear. Just because you think that good or acceptable behavior is obvious, doesn't mean that it is to your children. "No Biting" may seem like an obvious rule. But if your 3yo just bit your 6yo, then that's a clear indication it's not obvious to her. So, set some clear boundaries and put them in writing.
When your children are young, make them simple and easy, four or five basic concepts that are broad enough to encompass a multitude of behaviors but specific enough to be clear. If you are too broad it will confuse your child, If you are too specific, your child will find a loop hole.
Here are some examples, and why they work (but seriously, do whatever works best in your house):
1. Have Happy Hands -This can apply to violence towards others or damage to property, so it encompasses a lot of scenarios.
2. Use Nice Words -This can mean things like "no naughty words" or "no name calling", but it can also mean "no arguing with mommy". It can also apply to tone of voice - see, versatility.3. Use Listening Ears -Teaching your child to pay attention and make eye contact will do wonders for you... I promise. If you give your child an instruction, make sure they heard you by getting down to their level, making eye contact, speaking clearly and then ask them to repeat you. This is also about following directions.
4. No Whining -Don't wrap this up with "nice words", it's almost always a big enough issue that it warrants special attention. If you think you don't have a whiny child, give it time, you will.
If your child has a specific issue that keeps recurring, feel free to add that, but choose your battles. So, if your kid is sometimes too rough with your family pet, even after warnings, that falls under "Happy Hands" and "Listening ears", but if your kid is biting people, a lot, you may want to give "No Biting" it's own line.
Sit down together and make your rules board (poster board, markers). Write the rules clearly and explain them to your child. If your child can't read, you'll want to add pictures that help provide them with a VISUAL CUE of the rule. Have your child help you match the pictures to the rules and then tape or glue them to your board next to the rule they match. Then maybe your child can decorate the rule board with stickers or glitter.
*Making them a part of the process also helps them take ownership of the rules and teaches them a sense of personal responsibility (remember, we are teaching our children Self-Discipline by using effective Parental Discipline).
As your child gets older and his understanding and language become more complex, feel free to be more specific about your rules, but in a household with young children this same set of rules that you create can apply to everyone.
**Make sure your rules are realistic and something that you can and WILL follow up with. Also make sure that you're going to follow the rules, too. Don't say, "Use nice words" and then scream at your kids or call them names. Lead by example.
IMPORTANT: Pick your battles. Try to remember, they're KIDS. They have a TON of energy, their emotions are all over the place and they're still learning this stuff. Be patient. This is NOT your excuse to freak out every time your kids are being, well, kids. Time-Out is for behavior that is serious and needs correction. If you use Time-Out for every little time your kids are loud, irritating or just acting like kids, it will confuse them and it won't be effective. Be attentive and present when you are with your children. If you think a situation is escalating, assess it. If your kids are just being rowdy kids, or maybe you're feeling tired or crabby, try gentle reminders like "please use your inside voice" or redirecting their behavior before it escalates further by taking a break for snack time or sending them outside.
Hang your rules up where everyone can see them clearly.
So what happens when Tina breaks a rule?
TIME-OUT: Give ONE warning.
Make it CLEAR.
Get down on your child's level, look them in the eye (maybe ask them to "turn on their listening ears") and tell them, "This is your warning. Throwing your sister's toys is not acceptable. Next time you will go to Time-Out."
Drop the tone of your voice and make sure your voice is even and stern (ladies, do not do that thing where you end every sentence like it's a question, and NO BABY TALK.) No need to yell or scream. If you feel angry, control your emotions (remember, we lead by example, if you throw a tantrum, she will, too).
Get down to her level, make eye contact, and firmly and clearly tell her, "Throwing your sister's toys is a wrong choice. In this house, we use Happy Hands. You are in time-out, you can get up in X minutes when the timer beeps."
Then WALK AWAY and leave her there. (Make sure when you're telling them what NOT TO DO, you also remind them what they CAN DO. And using the same language you used on your HOUSE RULES BOARD will reinforce those concepts.)
How long should time-out last?
A good rule of thumb is one minute for every year of the child's age. (4 minutes for a 4yo.)
What happens if she won't stay in time-out?
She won't. At least not at first. Expect that.
WARNING: Your kids will HATE this. Hang in there, stand your ground, you are the adult and you can totally win this. They may cry, they may scream, they make say very angry things to you. IGNORE THEM and KEEP YOUR COOL.
The FIRST time she gets up, walk her back, get down to her level, make eye contact and remind her in much more succinct way, "Tina, you are in time out for throwing toys. You must stay in time out until the timer beeps." THEN WALK AWAY and IGNORE HER. Start the timer over.
(Again, better to try and use positive language than negative - so, "you must stay in time out" as opposed to "you may not get up from time out" --- POSITIVE LANGUAGE is much more effective and will reinforce what you're trying to teach and will teach them use positive language, too.)
PLEASE NOTE: Your kid will probably get up more than once!
Every time she gets up after the first time, DO NOT SAY A WORD. Simply walk (or carry) her back to time out and then WALK AWAY and IGNORE HER. If she screams, ignore it. Don't respond. Don't answer her. Don't even look in her direction (she's not hurt, she's pissed off, she'll get over it, I promise. This is called PLANNED IGNORING and we can cover it in another "Jedi Mom Tip".) Then start the timer over. Don't add extra time (it's doesn't change from 4 minutes to 8 because you're angry) but make sure you start the time from the beginning when you get her back to the Spot.
DO THIS FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR HER TO STAY ON THE SPOT FOR THE ENTIRE TIME OUT. This may take ten minutes, or it may take an hour. You can expect this to take a few days, maybe a week, maybe several weeks before your child willingly accepts their fate and cooperates with you. This will vary based on your child's level of stubbornness, how new this type of clear discipline is to your household, and how consistent you are.
What happens next?
Okay, so Zack made it through the whole three minutes and didn't get up (finally, yay Mom, good for you! woooo-hooo!). When the timer beeps, go to him, get down on his level, make eye contact and remind him gently why he was there. "Zack, yelling at Mommy is a wrong choice. I need you to use Nice Words. Please tell Mommy you're sorry." After he says he's sorry, tell him you forgive him and how much you love him, give him a big ole' hug and then MOVE ON. Go on about your day. Don't bring it up again.
If you still FEEL frustrated, go in the other room and take a deep breath. Calm down. (We'll get you a calm down jar -ask about it if you don't know what it is). Once it's over, it's OVER. He's been successfully disciplined and we move on. Each issue is it's own.
WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
-A TIMER
-A TIME OUT SPOT (----The Time-Out Towel---) <---click the link to find these on Amazon
You'll need a timer and a designated Time-Out spot.
I suggest using the Timer on your phone or watch so that you will have it with you every where you go.
Your spot should be somewhere away from the chaos but where you can still see her... the foot of the stairs, the floor by the sofa. I wouldn't suggest putting your child (especially a really young child) in a chair or on the sofa. That's an invitation to climb it, or, even worse, fling themselves from it in a fit of manipulative rage. That's why I suggest the TIME-OUT TOWEL. Put down a red towel (or whatever color, at our house we actually use a small monkey rug) or something similar that looks different than anything else in the house. Even if you get this down to a fine art in your home, the first time you're away from the house and the "time out spot" your kid will KNOW it and they will use that as the optimal time to test these new boundaries.
That's the genius of the Time-Out Towel.
I say use a dish towel because you can buy them ANYWHERE, and in bulk (in case they get lost or ruined) and they're portable! You can carry them with you in your purse/car/gym bag/diaper bag etc so that you can follow through no matter where you are in the world (that's right Mom, no excuses to give in or be inconsistent). Then when your child starts really arguing with you in Walmart, you can stop the cart right there and implement Time-Out. (*If your child really starts throwing a tantrum, leave the store and finish your shopping later - more about this in another blog to come.) The more CONSISTENT you are, the faster this will work and the more effective this will be.
HOLD THE PHONE! You want me to do this EVERYWHERE? Even in PUBLIC?!
Do you want to teach your children that you only mean what you say when it's convenient?
But other people might stare, or even give us dirty looks?
Yep. They probably will. So what?
Ignore them. They're not raising your children. Don't let the rudeness of other people get in the way of your excellent parenting. Maybe if their moms had been more consistent with them, they would have better manners.
So, there it is. And if you mess up, don't worry about it.This parenting stuff is REALLY hard! Dust yourself off and get back on track. Stick with it. This will take a while to get it perfect, and may take days or weeks to get your kids fully on board, especially if this kind of structure is a new concept in your home, but it's WORTH IT. If your kids see that you mean business, they'll respect you and they'll appreciate the boundaries.
Hang in there! You're doing great.
*Note, all caregivers in the home need to be consistently following this same protocol. You're a team. Support each other. Work together, win together.
Well thought out!! Great post Jedi Mom!
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