“Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they…if once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will…”

I've encountered some very disturbing behavior lately. 

Recently, I've witnessed more than a few examples of  blatant bullying, tangible teasing, mean-spirited mocking, and ringing rudeness. Now, rudeness itself is nothing new, people are rude all the time. Heck, I'm rude every day until at least halfway through my first cup of coffee. This particular series of indiscretions is striking however, one, because it's starting to look like a pretty disgusting pattern, and two, because despite it's extremely childish and immature nature it's not coming from kids, it's coming from other adults and, most specifically, other MOMS!! 

Now, let's be honest, we all know that girls of all ages can be capable of some pretty grandiose displays of "diva". As a group, we ladies are known for, at least occasionally, being catty, competitive and conniving. It's nothing new to overhear two moms in a Starbucks play can-you-top-this over everything from who has the nicer stroller to which kid starting pooping solids first. For whatever reason, maybe deeply ingrained insecurity, we can't seem to pass up an opportunity to be superior. (Before you start drafting hate mail, I know that men feel insecure and get competitive, and I know that there are exceptions to every rule, but you have to admit that we women have earned a reputation for our very unique brand of passive aggressiveness.) 

As we grow and become adult women, we learn (from our mothers and theirs before them) how to be just snooty enough to satiate that little green monster inside us but we've sort of collectively agreed to draw the line at outright meanness (it's like an unspoken girl code etiquette of bitchiness). 

Heck, mastering the charm of the back-handed compliment is the crowning achievement of a true southern belle! The best of us even have the fine art of snark down to nothing but a look (commonly known as "Bitch face"). After all, as Kathy Griffin says, "This is the South, we have manners! We talk about you behind your back!" 


However, as our culture becomes less face-to-face and more Facebook, the nature of our interactions with each other is evolving. It used to be the case that moms, especially stay-at-home moms, had to get together in person to socialize their children and themselves. Now we have social media in our hands at all times and it is changing the way we interact with each other. 

You've probably noticed that people seem a lot more courageous on the internet. We've all seen people "comment" things that they NEVER would have said to someone in person. Subtlety has become a lost art. If we think we may have crossed the line we can throw in an "LOL" or a Smiley Face / Winky emoticon and then fall back on "I was just kidding" if someone actually has the nerve to get their feelings hurt. 

We've even developed a new brand of passive aggressive communication: the meme. 

It's the ultimate way to vaguebook. We cloud our insults and self-importance in comedy and overly-generalized comments paired with funny and ironic images that could or could not be about anyone or everyone, and then we sit back dare people to get offended. 

I'm just as guilty of this as the next guy, I'm sorry to say. My sense of humor is founded largely on sarcasm so I can appreciate a good, spirited jab and it takes an awful lot to truly offend me. Sometimes I just think this inane stuff is hilarious and I'll be the first to admit that I've often had the attitude that if someone can't take a joke it's their problem and they shouldn't be so sensitive. Which, ironically, is not at all the way I would actually behave in person. In reality, I'm a bit of a people-pleaser and it truly distresses me if I think I've hurt someone. 

I recently had a bit of a wake up call after a conversation with my very sweet and conservative aunt, who was offended by the language in  some of the things I was "liking" and "sharing". 

I thought she was confused about how Facebook works and I tried to explain to her that just because I hit the "like" button on something doesn't mean I generated it (aka, not responsible for it). She stated very simply that it didn't really look like much of a difference.  If I'm liking and sharing things that I know will show up to others with my name next to it, then it really doesn't matter if I'm the one who "created" it, it's still coming from me.  

I'll be honest, my first thought was hey, I'm an adult, it's a PERSONAL page and all my "friends" are adults, if she doesn't like it she can get over it. Sound familiar? That's the way of the web, isn't it? I'll do what I want and if other people don't like it they can pack sand.  And you know what, people have every right to make that choice, as long as they are comfortable with the truth, that they'll be alienating people. 


The more I thought about what my aunt said, the more I realized that my behavior on the internet really is a reflection of who I am just as much as my behavior anywhere else. I also considered the fact that I truly don't want to offend her or any of my other loved ones who may not share my often twisted sense of humor (just because I like a thing, doesn't mean I ALWAYS have to hit 'like' and 'share' it). 

In addition to that, I was raised to be a person of integrity. I know that there's a time and a place for certain behavior, yet for some reason I wasn't behaving quite as deliberately online. I wasn't posting graphic nudity or anything I considered to be vulgar, and I wasn't the one creating the images/posts/etc. with the foul language.  so it never occurred to me that I should take any responsibility for my involvement in it. 

I wasn't really giving any thought to my actions, despite knowing that I have a very wide variety of contacts that are exposed to my online activities. I always thought of it as "just facebook", so I never took it that seriously and I wasn't really considering the message I was sending to others (I figured that only mattered if you were trying to get a job or something). 

But that's the thing, isn't it? The internet is still REAL LIFE. Your actions on the internet are still your actions. 

Sobering thought for some of us, isn't it?!

Now, this offense of mine was relatively minor in the grand scheme of all things internet. It was an accidental result of careless behavior, but it certainly wasn't mean spirited. 
(Spoiler alert: casual disregard breeds active disrespect, which is a gateway drug to bullying.)


What really concerns me is that out of this culture of carelessness and "if you don't like it, don't read it" there is a growing phenomenon of increasing audacity! It's as if we are starting to truly believe that once we are behind a computer screen we aren't accountable for our behavior, especially when it comes to what we "say" to other people. 

As if it wasn't bad enough, things really start to escalate when we branch out of our personal pages and join other groups and communities where most of the people we're interacting with are strangers to us. If we thought we actually had to see them again, we may at least think twice about what we're saying and doing. However, as soon as we are in an environment where we know we'll most likely never have to meet any of these people "in real life"there starts to be a serious breakdown in human decency.  

Perhaps, since most of us were first exposed to technology as children playing video games, we have no frame of reference for taking it seriously. Maybe that's why as long we are hiding behind the glass of our computers, we treat our interactions like a video game where the people aren't real, their feelings don't matter and our actions have no consequences. 

Who cares if I throw a bomb at her? She's got like 6 lives left and she'll just regenerate in the next level!



Speaking of people who play video games...

I recently submitted this photo and caption to a page I like that is directed at moms who play video games and have kids that play video games:

Last night I programmed my kids' tablets so they only get 2 hours of screen time. After that the only apps they can access are learning and reading apps. This also applied to the Xbox, the rule being that a timer on the tablet tracks the Xbox use and applies it to the Screen Time total. So, what happens when the kids have to get creative with their free time??? THIS.        ‪#‎skylanders‬ ‪#‎notallgamingisdigital‬

*For those of you that are confused, this is a princess castle that my daughter was playing with. My son decided to bring his Skylanders to join the fun. It's funny on multiple levels - the mix of "boy"/"girl" toys and my son's commitment to playing with the Skylanders even though he couldn't play the Skylanders video game. 

The page shared my post on their wall as a "Fan Share" for the other members of the page to view. Most of the other moms on the page enjoyed the post and thought it was funny, and more than a few wanted to know which app I used so they could use it, too (it's for android and it's called Screen Time, but if you just do a search for 'parental control app' in your play store dozens of options will pop up). Those that were uninterested or didn't like it simply ignored the post. Well, most of them.

Not so surprisingly , there were a few moms who just couldn't help themselves. (Oh, look! An opportunity to be superior!)

One Mom said: My daughter has this castle  she loves it. I would never ever give my kids a tablet or anything like that though. That's just wrong in my opinion. Kids need an imagination

Notice, of course, that she included the Smiley. The Smiley is the online woman's "bless your heart".  She has now assumed carte blanche to criticize my parenting. This broke the ice for a few of the other moms to chime in with her and I was starting to feel a bit ganged up on. 

(Side note: If you're offended by the idea of a kid playing with a tablet, why are you on a page for moms of kids who play video games? Like many other insults, it's probably just misplaced insecurity as she's clearly just jealous of my awesome Gryffindor Snuggie). 

It really irks me when other moms can't be supportive of each other! There's nothing that's quite as frustrating as being judged on your parenting skills by someone who knows nothing about you. I expect other moms, of all people, to be empathetic and considerate of this, and to be kind (yes, I know, I live in a fairy tale, but a girl can dream, can't she?!). Here I am on a page DEVOTED TO MOTHERS, a community dedicated to bringing moms with similar interests together. It should have been a safe place and it wasn't. (Is nothing sacred, ladies??) 

So, despite my not owing her an explanation, I felt I wanted to make a point and perhaps get Judgey McPerfect-Mom to think before she posts next time. 

So, I posted this reply: And to those who judge, My daughter is autistic. The tablet was purchased as part of her therapy. My son got one because he's constantly getting the short end of the stick as she consumes so much of our time and attention and well, we just felt that time it should be fair.

She didn't really respond (which indicates that she perhaps had the decency to be embarrassed if not the good sense to apologize) but other moms rallied around me in a show of support, which was nice to see. 

Problem solved, right? 

Well, no. AFTER this interaction, on the very same post, another mom went off on a fairly sizable, and down-right mean, rant (that can't be directly quoted since it was removed by the page moderators). She glanced at the picture and then proceeded to opine that she couldn't understand what the big deal was. She essentially wanted to know (rhetorically) why the page would post a picture of a kid playing with dolls in dollhouse. "That's how dolls are meant to be played with." She said that she didn't see why anyone was impressed that a kid could play with a toy the way it was made to be played with. She even had the brass cajones to acknowledge, in a very dismissive and derisive aside, that yeah, well, maybe if the kid is autistic it's a big deal, but seriously why does everyone else care, are your kids seriously that tuned in to video games that we think it's a big deal when they play with real toys, etc. etc. 

I'm not making this up. This went on for four paragraphs. 

This was no subtle display of disapproval, this was flat out offensive. She was rude, mean, hurtful, and, on top of that, she was wrong. She didn't look at the picture long enough to notice the Skylanders (or was ignorant about what Skylanders are) and consequentially, didn't "get" the joke. She spoke harshly and without all the facts (speaking out of turn, oh the great Achilles Heel of all creatures with language) and made herself look pretty absurd when all the other moms jumped to my rescue. 

It's really hard to be a mom, no matter what your situation is. Parenting decisions are deeply personal and we have all, at one time or another, encountered unfair and unproductive criticism. Even the strongest of us are going to respond emotionally  to attacks on our mothering and on our children (this often referred to as "mama bear mode" -that's not an accident). If ANYONE can understand that and be supportive, it should be other mothers. That is why it seemed so truly sad when this happened to me. The more I thought about this incident, the more upset I became. It occurred to me that if people can find a way to be hurtful and cruel over something as truly innocent as a picture of Skylanders in a princess castle, how would they behave in a situation that really mattered? 

I know it wasn't just me and it wasn't just that time, because I've seen it happen before. God forbid you post that you're not breastfeeding your new baby or post a picture of your kid eating non-organic hot dogs! Don't worry, someone will come along and shame you into submission, or at the very least validate your concerns that you might be a bad mom (because, don't we all feel that way sometimes). We're hard enough on ourselves, the last thing we need is someone coming in and picking at us. It's disgusting! I feel sick to think that unlike the mothers that came to my rescue, I have probably witnessed this type of thing on more than a few occasions and, out of fear of opening myself up to the attacks, done nothing about it. 

It was equally disconcerting to note that even some of the moms who "stood up" for me were behaving just as badly as the rude mom. One mother called her the "turd in the punch bowl". Sort of the pot calling the kettle black at that point, isn't it? 

When we fight bullying with more bullying all we're doing is perpetuating the cycle and nobody wins. 

This problem is not new and it's getting worse at an alarming rate. 

As I was researching this troubling trend I came across The Mom Pledge. 

The Mom Pledge was created by writer and mother Elizabeth Flora Ross, who was so bothered by this rapidly growing phenomenon that she decided to take action. 

"The Mom Pledge is about women standing up, speaking out, and coming together to end cyber bullying among moms, fostering respect, understanding and acceptance. http://themompledge.com/" *taken from The Mom Pledge Facebook Page. 

You should go find The Mom Pledge on Facebook and share it with all your mom (and future mom) friends. It's message couldn't be more important. 

The Mom Pledge is this:

The Mom Pledge


I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I know my children learn from my attitudes and actions. I promise to model respectful, compassionate behavior. It starts with me.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are defamatory, hateful or threatening.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.*

*taken from the description under the "about" section of The Mom Pledge Facebook page.

Sounds pretty awesome to me! Where do I sign?

All jokes aside, whether we're speaking in thinly veiled insults and back-handed compliments or we're being directly, deliberately hurtful and aggressive, it's wrong. 

Playful and even sarcastic banter with trusted friends and family is one thing. Mean spirited disrespect and caustic words are another.

It's time to decide that not only are we grown women, we are mothers raising the next generation. That's a huge responsibility. And when we behave poorly to each other, what's the message that we're sending our kids? 

*this is a pretty awesome blog about the very same problem-----> Mom Bullies