"Control, control. You must learn control."

Jedi Mom Tip of the Week: Discipline, Consistency and the Time-out Towel

A Jedi must be skilled in may ways, but above all, he must master the art of Self-Discipline. This is a key component of becoming a Jedi Master and your job is to teach this to your little padawan younglings. Before they can become proficient in Self-Discipline, you must show them what Discipline looks like. 

Discipline can be a tricky concept, whether your kids are "normally developing/neurotypical" or special needs in some way. But there are some basic parenting truths that transcend almost any challenge your child can throw at you. 

One of them is CONSISTENCY. This is the most effective parenting strategy in the playbook. The best part is, it's FREE. The challenging part is, it's the hardest one to master. Kids have this way of knowing exactly which buttons of ours to push, and some kids are natural-born-Olympic-button-pushers. That being said, the only way to maintain control of your house, and your sanity, is to be consistent. 



All that really means is, DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO DO. You must be deeply committed to your standards as a parent and you must be willing to hold your kids to a standard. It's a scary line to walk as a parent. We don't want to put so much pressure on our kids that we doom them to failure, but if you don't treat your kids as though you expect them to be smart, to follow rules, to behave and learn, it will teach them that they are incapable of these things. Your children are bright and capable. Have high expectations for them. It's okay. Treat them like the people you want them to become and show them that you know they can do it by expecting them to. 

We've all met those parents, the ones who make dozens of empty threats but never follow through. They are full of I'm-warning-you's and If-you-do-that-one-more-time's, they holler and stamp their feet and get angry, but they never actually do anything more than pump out hot air.

Or maybe you've been at the park with that passive aggressive mom, who really wants to be the boss but genuinely can't stand the thought of sounding "mean" or causing her kids to "hate" her. It's time to leave but her child just isn't ready to go. She'll warn, she'll try to reason with her kid. "Okay, honey, ten more minutes and then we'll go?" - "Jimmy, seriously sweetie, it's time to go now." - "Lisa, baby, don't make me count." They talk in a voice that's coated in chocolate and covered in sugar and their kids just eat them for dinner. 

Heck, let's be honest, I don't think I have ever met a single parent that hasn't done this at least once.

But your kids will never take you seriously if you don't take yourself seriously. And it's your job to teach your kids that there are boundaries, that life isn't always going to cater to them and entertain them, and that there are consequences for their actions.

Mom, listen up, setting clear guidelines for your child and then sticking with them isn't mean. It's not always your job to be fun. It is, however, up to you to raise a functioning, well rounded, independent person. So cut yourself some slack and don't be afraid to stand your ground. 

So, where do I start? 

HOUSE RULES BOARD:
First, are the rules at your house clear? 
How can your child know what's expected if you're not making it clear. Just because you think that good or acceptable behavior is obvious, doesn't mean that it is to your children. "No Biting" may seem like an obvious rule. But if your 3yo just bit your 6yo, then that's a clear indication it's not obvious to her. So, set some clear boundaries and put them in writing. 

When your children are young, make them simple and easy, four or five basic concepts that are broad enough to encompass a multitude of behaviors but specific enough to be clear. If you are too broad it will confuse your child, If you are too specific, your child will find a loop hole. 
Here are some examples, and why they work (but seriously, do whatever works best in your house):

1. Have Happy Hands -This can apply to violence towards others or damage to property, so it encompasses a lot of scenarios.

2. Use Nice Words -This can mean things like "no naughty words" or "no name calling", but it can also mean "no arguing with mommy". It can also apply to tone of voice - see, versatility.

3. Use Listening Ears -Teaching your child to pay attention and make eye contact will do wonders for you... I promise. If you give your child an instruction, make sure they heard you by getting down to their level, making eye contact, speaking clearly and then ask them to repeat you. This is also about following directions.


4. No Whining -Don't wrap this up with "nice words", it's almost always a big enough issue that it warrants special attention. If you think you don't have a whiny child, give it time, you will.


If your child has a specific issue that keeps recurring, feel free to add that, but choose your battles. So, if your kid is sometimes too rough with your family pet, even after warnings, that falls under "Happy Hands" and "Listening ears", but if your kid is biting people, a lot, you may want to give "No Biting" it's own line. 

Sit down together and make your rules board (poster board, markers). Write the rules clearly and explain them to your child. If your child can't read, you'll want to add pictures that help provide them with a VISUAL CUE of the rule. Have your child help you match the pictures to the rules and then tape or glue them to your board next to the rule they match. Then maybe your child can decorate the rule board with stickers or glitter. 

*Making them a part of the process also helps them take ownership of the rules and teaches them a sense of personal responsibility (remember, we are teaching our children Self-Discipline by using effective Parental Discipline).


As your child gets older and his understanding and language become more complex, feel free to be more specific about your rules, but in a household with young children this same set of rules that you create can apply to everyone. 

**Make sure your rules are realistic and something that you can and WILL follow up with. Also make sure that you're going to follow the rules, too. Don't say, "Use nice words" and then scream at your kids or call them names. Lead by example. 

IMPORTANT: Pick your battles. Try to remember, they're KIDS. They have a TON of energy, their emotions are all over the place and they're still learning this stuff. Be patient. This is NOT your excuse to freak out every time your kids are being, well, kids. Time-Out is for behavior that is serious and needs correction. If you use Time-Out for every little time your kids are loud, irritating or just acting like kids, it will confuse them and it won't be effective. Be attentive and present when you are with your children. If you think a situation is escalating, assess it. If your kids are just being rowdy kids, or maybe you're feeling tired or crabby, try gentle reminders like "please use your inside voice" or redirecting their behavior before it escalates further by taking a break for snack time or sending them outside. 

Hang your rules up where everyone can see them clearly.

So what happens when Tina breaks a rule? 

TIME-OUT: 

Give ONE warning. 
Make it CLEAR. 
Get down on your child's level, look them in the eye (maybe ask them to "turn on their listening ears") and tell them, "This is your warning. Throwing your sister's toys is not acceptable. Next time you will go to Time-Out." 

Drop the tone of your voice and make sure your voice is even and stern (ladies, do not do that thing where you end every sentence like it's a question, and NO BABY TALK.) No need to yell or scream. If you feel angry, control your emotions (remember, we lead by example, if you throw a tantrum, she will, too). 

Now here's where CONSISTENCY comes in (see above). If she throws even ONE MORE of her sister's toys, you will go and gently but firmly take her by the hand and walk her to the time-out spot. (Remember, only ONE warning. You're serious. Stand your ground.)

Get down to her level, make eye contact, and firmly and clearly tell her, "Throwing your sister's toys is a wrong choice. In this house, we use Happy Hands. You are in time-out, you can get up in X minutes when the timer beeps." 
Then WALK AWAY and leave her there. (Make sure when you're telling them what NOT TO DO, you also remind them what they CAN DO. And using the same language you used on your HOUSE RULES BOARD will reinforce those concepts.) 

How long should time-out last? 
A good rule of thumb is one minute for every year of the child's age.  (4 minutes for a 4yo.)

What happens if she won't stay in time-out?
She won't. At least not at first. Expect that. 

WARNING: Your kids will HATE this. Hang in there, stand your ground, you are the adult and you can totally win this. They may cry, they may scream, they make say very angry things to you. IGNORE THEM and KEEP YOUR COOL. 
















The FIRST time she gets up, walk her back, get down to her level, make eye contact and remind her in much more succinct way, "Tina, you are in time out for throwing toys. You must stay in time out until the timer beeps." THEN WALK AWAY and IGNORE HER.  Start the timer over. 

(Again, better to try and use positive language than negative - so, "you must stay in time out" as opposed to "you may not get up from time out" --- POSITIVE LANGUAGE is much more effective and will reinforce what you're trying to teach and will teach them use positive language, too.)

PLEASE NOTE: Your kid will probably get up more than once!

Every time she gets up after the first time, DO NOT SAY A WORD. Simply walk (or carry) her back to time out and then WALK AWAY and IGNORE HER. If she screams, ignore it. Don't respond. Don't answer her. Don't even look in her direction (she's not hurt, she's pissed off, she'll get over it, I promise. This is called PLANNED IGNORING and we can cover it in another "Jedi Mom Tip".) Then start the timer over. Don't add extra time (it's doesn't change from 4 minutes to 8 because you're angry) but make sure you start the time from the beginning when you get her back to the Spot. 

DO THIS FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES FOR HER TO STAY ON THE SPOT FOR THE ENTIRE TIME OUT. This may take ten minutes, or it may take an hour. You can expect this to take a few days, maybe a week, maybe several weeks before your child willingly accepts their fate and cooperates with you. This will vary based on your child's level of stubbornness, how new this type of clear discipline is to your household, and how consistent you are.

What happens next?
Okay, so Zack made it through the whole three minutes and didn't get up (finally, yay Mom, good for you! woooo-hooo!).  When the timer beeps, go to him, get down on his level, make eye contact and remind him gently why he was there. "Zack, yelling at Mommy is a wrong choice. I need you to use Nice Words. Please tell Mommy you're sorry." After he says he's sorry, tell him you forgive him and how much you love him, give him a big ole' hug and then MOVE ON. Go on about your day. Don't bring it up again. 

If you still FEEL frustrated, go in the other room and take a deep breath. Calm down. (We'll get you a calm down jar -ask about it if you don't know what it is). Once it's over, it's OVER. He's been successfully disciplined and we move on. Each issue is it's own. 





WHAT YOU'LL NEED:
-A TIMER
-A TIME OUT SPOT (----The Time-Out Towel---) <---click the link to find these on Amazon

You'll need a timer and a designated Time-Out spot. 

I suggest using the Timer on your phone or watch so that you will have it with you every where you go. 

Your spot should be somewhere away from the chaos but where you can still see her... the foot of the stairs, the floor by the sofa. I wouldn't suggest putting your child (especially a really young child) in a chair or on the sofa. That's an invitation to climb it, or, even worse, fling themselves from it in a fit of manipulative rage. That's why I suggest the TIME-OUT TOWEL. Put down a red towel (or whatever color, at our house we actually use a small monkey rug) or something similar that looks different than anything else in the house. 

Even if you get this down to a fine art in your home, the first time you're away from the house and the "time out spot" your kid will KNOW it and they will use that as the optimal time to test these new boundaries. 

That's the genius of the Time-Out Towel.
I say use a dish towel because you can buy them ANYWHERE, and in bulk (in case they get lost or ruined) and they're portable! You can carry them with you in your purse/car/gym bag/diaper bag etc so that you can follow through no matter where you are in the world (that's right Mom, no excuses to give in or be inconsistent). Then when your child starts really arguing with you in Walmart, you can stop the cart right there and implement Time-Out. (*If your child really starts throwing a tantrum, leave the store and finish your shopping later - more about this in another blog to come.) The more CONSISTENT you are, the faster this will work and the more effective this will be. 

HOLD THE PHONE! You want me to do this EVERYWHERE? Even in PUBLIC?!
Do you want to teach your children that you only mean what you say when it's convenient? 

But other people might stare, or even give us dirty looks?
Yep. They probably will. So what? 
Ignore them. They're not raising your children. Don't let the rudeness of other people get in the way of your excellent parenting. Maybe if their moms had been more consistent with them, they would have better manners.



So, there it is. 

And if you mess up, don't worry about it.This parenting stuff is REALLY hard!  Dust yourself off and get back on track. Stick with it. This will take a while to get it perfect, and may take days or weeks to get your kids fully on board, especially if this kind of structure is a new concept in your home, but it's WORTH IT. If your kids see that you mean business, they'll respect you and they'll appreciate the boundaries. 

Hang in there! You're doing great. 

*Note, all caregivers in the home need to be consistently following this same protocol. You're a team. Support each other. Work together, win together. 

"Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1."

My child is really very smart. I mean, of course I think that, right? I'm the mom. I often wonder if parents, grandparents or any close family member really knows if their kids are dumb or ugly? You all know what I'm talking about. You think your child is the most beautiful, smartest child you've ever encountered (you're supposed to). It's really easy for family to focus on the wonderful qualities of a new and growing child, we love to brag to anyone who will hold still about all the amazing and brilliant things our kids can do. We annoy our friends and loved ones (and perfect strangers) with the most gripping details about who made a stinky, who loves green beans, who just said "mamma" and boast proudly about how our little genius is clearly a future brain surgeon because look at how well she colors! But sometimes it can be harder for us to really, truly see our children.We are ready to over praise and we are even more ready to explain away faults or problems. Developmental issues can, especially in younger children, often be dismissed with an easy "Every child develops at her own pace," or troublesome behaviors are often shrouded in a, "He's all boy, isn't he?!". So what happens when there really is something wrong? I think, as a mother, you just know. You may not always be able to completely articulate what you think the problem is, and you may not voice your concern (because moms are worriers, aren't we?), but deep down, you have have this radar that just sort of "blips" when something isn't right. 

And Lorelai, she's smart, but it's the kind of smart that got my mom radar going. She was the baby who would color code all her toys, or alphabetize them. She would line up all her crayons before coloring with them. She would color code and count her Froot Loops before she'd eat them. (In hindsight it all seems very textbook, but at the time it was just sort of ... weird.) The first time she spoke to us she was about 14 months old and she looked at my mother and counted to ten. Seriously. But while everyone was amazed that she was counting (which, honestly, was really cool), it was also disconcerting that she'd been silent for so long. She waited what seemed like a long time to walk. She wouldn't sleep through the night and often had horrible night terrors. She threw violent tantrums that were dangerous to herself and those around her... and list went on. So many things just weren't adding up. We kept explaining things away, but the radar was blipping all along. 

So, about a year and a half ago  (when she was 2), I got a really stellar job at a very prestigious law firm replacing this amazing paralegal who was going off to law school. Part of that process was to get Lorelai enrolled in daycare (because apparently most law firms frown on bringing toddlers to work, no matter how smart and probably great at filing they are). So, as any parent who has ever tried to get a kid into daycare knows, we had to go to the pediatrician to get a check up and shot records and blah blah blah.  Part of the "check up" process is a "developmental milestones test". Basically, depending on the age of the child, they pull out this standardized checklist and have your kid go through each item until you hit three "no's". So, can your kid stand on one foot, recognize the letter A, see that word across the room, hear the sound of this buzzer, or whatever. Again, the tests are age-appropriate and your doctor is looking to see if your kid can get through all of the metrics that are determined "normal" for his age before you hit all three "no's". When we used to do these things with my son I thought they were silly. It never actually occurred to me that kids didn't do well on these things because what they were asking for each time seemed so basic and so in line with how any kid develops that I couldn't see the point. Enter Lorelai, stage left. Jedi Dad took her in for this check up and she didn't do very well on the ones for her age at all (which at two is mostly basic language and motor skills). So the doc decides to fast forward a few pages to the test for kids that are older and Lorelai is sailing through it. My husband, of course, does not understand the significance of any of this (neither did I for a really long time) and leaves with the proper day care forms and a referral for a Speech and Language evaluation and a Hearing test. Jedi Dad thought this was absurd. We knew she didn't have a hearing problem and how many two year old's DON'T have speech issues, they are all LEARNING to talk aren't they?! I, however, knew there must be more to it. ((blip))

When the doctor suggested we get these evaluations, Jedi Dad agreed to the evals but wrote off any concern immediately. I however, decided to do some homework. Homework is my way. That's how I process the world. I research it and study it and try to find words for it. Sometimes this is cumbersome but usually this works greatly to my advantage. One thing I will say to any parent ever... if you are worried about your children, trust your gut and DO YOUR HOMEWORK. There are a million resources at your fingertips. Use them. Talk to your Doctors. Push for answers. You are your child's best advocate. That is the reason you are her parent. 

I also had another seed that had been planted in my brain, unintentionally. When we talk about "awareness" I often wonder if we know what the impact of that is. The awesome paralegal that I was replacing has two adopted siblings that are both on the spectrum. I know this because she has the coolest tattoo on the inside of her left forearm of four brightly colored puzzle pieces. I was drawn to this tattoo within minutes of meeting her and finally asked her about it. Her story just stuck with me. So when we started this process I had that image floating around in the back of my mind ((blip)). I know when she got the tattoo she probably had no idea that someday I'd see it and it would make me aware, but I'm so glad it did. 

When we took Lor to her first evaluation, the Speech evaluation, they started asking us a lot of questions about Lorelai and her growth and development. We were answering them honestly, and they seemed innocent enough, but inside all I could hear was ((blip - blip - blip)). They scheduled us an appointment to come back and go over the results and create a therapy plan and the dots on the radar screen were starting to take shape in my head. I was up all night researching and studying and I knew in my heart, and in my stomach, that we were dealing with something big here. The next morning I called the Speech therapist back and I said, "You think she's autistic, don't you?" Quiet. "It's ok. I can handle it. I just want to know what you think."

After a long pause she said, "We aren't really qualified to give you a diagnosis, that's not what we do. But yes, that's certainly what it looks like to us and we think you should consider getting a Psychological evaluation."

I hung up and sat in my car in silence, waiting to go into work. I allowed myself one moment of sadness. One moment of quiet tears and then I locked it down. I didn't know very much at all about what we were facing but I did know that my only real choice was to be strong and push for answers. One thing I'd kept reading over and over was that early intervention was really key. I voiced my concerns to my family members. The responses ranged from, "She's fine, she's just a little behind, don't get worried over nothing" (my Dad and Jedi Dad) to "I've often wondered if there wasn't something like that going on, but I had no idea how to bring it up" (my Mom and my Aunt - see, mom radar). 

But I pushed and so we took her to a Psych eval. That doctor spent about an hour with Lorelai and me and decided "There's no way she's on the spectrum. She's a little behind but she'll catch up. But, if you're still worried in a year, by all means get another eval done" and sent us on our way. She was a very good doctor that came very highly recommended, and my Husband was thrilled to be right and thrilled to have someone who finally confirmed that I was over reacting and that his baby girl was going to be fine. And how could I blame him?! This was supposed to be great news and who am I to be a Debbie Downer? So how do you keep pushing, as a mom, knowing that something is wrong? The doctor is saying it's fine, and your family is relieved and ready to call it a done deal. Again, I will reiterate, TRUST. YOUR. GUT. I heard the doctor, I heard my family, I heard my husband, but I also heard ((blip. blip. blip. BLIP. BLIP.)). 

For a while, I kept my concerns mostly to myself. I did mention that I was still worried and that it didn't quite feel like a relief. We've all had those moments. You're sick, you go to your doctor and she says you're fine and you are simultaneously glad she found nothing wrong but also worried because you are still feeling sick... it was like that. You don't want to be a hypochondriac, but you're worried. Well, I stayed strong and I tried to let it go, but I was carrying this constant ((blip. blip. BLIP. BLIP.)) around with me. I spent a week in the hospital (stress ulcers, I know, big surprise, right?!) and between that week out and all the missed work from all the evaluations, I lost my "dream" job. Turned out I didn't have time for it anyway, we were about to get really busy. In hindsight I think the only reasons I got that job were 1) so I would need to take Lorelai for the milestones test she failed and 2) so I would meet that other paralegal and hear her story. 

So for a year I took Lorelai to therapy. We started with Speech. Then it was Speech and Language. Then it was Physical Therapy. Then it was Occupational Therapy. Hours and hours each week we spent helping her "catch up". And in a lot of ways we were making real progress. Our therapists are amazing. I truly believe that they are angels and that God put them on Earth for these children. But with all the progress it was still clear to me that we weren't really closing any gaps. She was still delayed, still behind. And her behavioral issues were coming full circle. I started seeing these violent tantrums that I hadn't seen in months, and she was getting harder and harder to deal with. And clingy... she was getting SO attached to me that I couldn't do ANYTHING. And all the while... ((blip. blip. blip. blip)). I finally begged our therapists for a referral to a behavior therapist (or a padded room) and was delighted when they said they were bringing someone on board. After probably inappropriately flirting with everyone in the office to be one of her first appointments, I finally got the chance to meet Dr. Awesome. 

She came to our house, met us on our own terms, and said she could help. She was funny, smart, genuine, likable, and concerned. She also, after several meetings and a bit of discussion, told me that I wasn't crazy. I think her exact words were, after explaining that of course we would need official testing, "If she's not on the spectrum, I'll give you my house." FINALLY!!! Someone who actually heard me, who genuinely believed me, and who could do something to really help me.  She saved us. Not just by validating my concerns (although that goes a LONG way), but by caring enough about us, about Lorelai, to help me find the truth and point us in the right direction for all the resources that Lorelai really qualifies for. She's helped open so many doors for us. (Just wait until I finish my blog on the testing and the IEP process... hahaha.) She's helped us navigate our way through a really confusing process and has been an amazing guide, connecting us with endless resources and other professionals, expanding our network of support all the time. I'm so grateful to her, and I'm so grateful to our speech therapists for seeing how great she is and connecting us to her.

So what do I say to you as a mother or father??? TRUST. YOUR. GUT. If something feels off, get it checked out. If an answer doesn't sit right with you, get a second opinion. Never let someone make you feel stupid. Better to over react and get your kids everything they need than to under react and let them fall through the gaping cracks in a crowded system. You are their voice. For many parents of autistic children, you are truly their ONLY voice. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. And never give up. You'll never be sorry for doing too much for your kids. 

“I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the wookiee win.”

Lorelai is really "into" patterns. She looks at life like a series of puzzles. Everything can be arranged into a sequence or system, organized and made sense of. One of our little patterns, or, routines, is to read through this backpack full of books she has. It's always the same books, always in order, and always in a loop until one of us, the parents, ends it and distracts her with something else. It starts with "Pinkalicious" as a warm up, and then we go to "If you give a mouse a Cookie" and we read through all of those books ("Give a Pig a Party", "Give a Cat a Cupcake" etc.). I think she loves those books because they are also a great play on cause and effect and that every action has a reaction and a consequence. They speak her language. Their rhythm is soothing and familiar to her. That rhythm, though, is catchy as hell. Since I have that nonsense stuck in my head, I decided to get it out. So, here you go.

If you give a Lorelai a juice box, chances are, she's going to ask for a snack to go with it.

So you'll take her to the kitchen, and she'll ask to go "Up in the mommy" so she can take fifteen minutes to touch everything while she tries to choose something out of the pantry.

She'll eventually choose the "circles" (Froot Loops) so you'll put her in her high chair.

When you give her the "circles" she'll want to sort them into groups. "Three red circles." "Four blue circles." "Two yellow circles." Then, she might notice that there are no purple circles.

When she notices there are no purple ones, she'll tell you purple is spelled P-U-R-P-L-E. Then she'll want you to listen to her spell the names of everyone she knows. Then she'll want to sing the Name Game.

You'll do Johnny, Johnny bo Bonny and Daddy, Daddy bo Baddy, and Oscar, Oscar bo Boscar, and Grandpa, Grandpa bo Bandpa, and Taylor, Taylor bo Baylor and Brittany, Brittany bo Bittany and eventually you'll make it through every friend and family member and start doing the names of the characters in her favorite shows.

Singing about Spongebob will make her want to watch the "Spongebob Christmas Special" (again). Then she'll want Spongebob fruit snacks.

You will be all out of Spongebob fruit snacks, and, after a brief Mommy panic attack, you will remember what Dr. Awesome tells you to try and you will give her a choice. Princess Fruit Snacks or Shark Bites? She will answer, "Spongebob". You will ask again, "Avengers Fruit Snacks or Nemo Bites"? She will answer, "Spongebob."

So you'll decide to go to the store.

She'll need to put on socks and shoes.  "First one goes on the right foot, then one goes on the left foot."

Next, she'll get "blanket and Olivia". Then she'll have to go to the car.

You'll remember that you need to try run some errands while you're out. So you'll grab a lunch bag full of nutrigrain bars, dum dums, juice boxes, raisins and goldfish, a charger for the tablet, and the visual schedule along with all the stickers you've made for the potential stops along the way. You hurriedly arrange the schedule and follow her out the door.

Before you leave the driveway you will show her the schedule tell her about her morning. "Publix, Post Office, Johnny's School." This will get the map song from Dora stuck in your head. All. Day.

Your first stop will be at the grocery store. You will have walk slow and hold hands while she spells all the words she sees. "O-P-E-N spells open." "W-E-T spells wet."

Since you chose to go to Publix, she will ask to drive in the race car. It will be "Lorelai's turn" to buckle her seat belt. It will be the only race car left and it will have a bum wheel so that it only makes smooth left turns forcing you to use all the strength in your body to keep it from veering off course and taking out the ankles of everyone you pass.

She will want to drive the race car to the bakery for a "sprinkle cookie". You will need to try very hard to see the cookie window before she does. If they do not have sprinkle cookies, you will start to really sing and dance like an off-Broadway Cookie Monster about how awesome chocolate chip is, to avoid a meltdown.

She will probably still have a meltdown.

Good thing you brought the tablet.

Playing on her tablet will calm her down and the music and games will remind her that she likes to sing. She will want to sing happy songs very loudly, because she has no inside voice. A sweet, but unfamiliar lady will hear her singing tell her she's cute and try to talk to her. This will make her instantly very nervous and very quiet and she will want to get out of the race car and crawl underneath your shirt like a creepy joey.

You'll carry her, exhausted, through the last few aisles, while struggling with the wonky race car cart and finally make your way to the check out line. There will be at least three people in front of you. She will see a bag of M&M's on the impulse rack and try to grab it and you will try as calmly and firmly as you can to tell her "No" (while hiding your terror as you brace yourself for the inevitable results). She will erupt, unconcerned with the watching eyes (she's still upset about the cookie and the strange lady). You will try to pretend you can't tell they're all staring at you while you try to distract her from the meltdown with a tablet she no longer wants.

Then, someone's phone will ring and their ring tone will be Maroon 5. She will stop and notice, and while catching her breath from her most recent meltdown, will ask you, "Mommy can we listen to Moves like Jagger?"

So you rush back to the car, where you will listen to "Moves Like Jagger". And then you will listen to "the Starfish song" (Starships, Nicki Minaj). And then you will listen to "Boom Boom Pow". And then you will listen to "We are never getting back together". This will continue for the rest of the trip.

As you are leaving Publix, you might pass a McDonald's. When she sees the McDonald's, she's going to ask you for some nuggets. "6-piece nuggets."

And chances are, if you skip the Post Office and decide to order nuggets, she's going to want a juice box to go with them.

Get the nuggets, get the juice box, you can't handle the Post Office and the grocery store in one day.

When you get home, she'll notice you left the TV on. Seeing Spongebob will remind her that she wanted Spongebob fruit snacks.

This will remind YOU, far too late, that Spongebob fruit snacks are the entire reason you left the house to begin with.

Pulling out the big guns, you will distract her with some Playdough and realize it's only 10am.

Happy Monday.

"Wonderful girl. Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her."

Lorelai is not a princess.

She just told me so. 

Usually when I ask her who her favorite princess is, she tells me "Lorelai", which I think is awesome. She's nothing if not well adjusted. I'm sure her future husband will really enjoy the challenge. Today, however, she has refused the crown. Part of the agreement with being a princess, is that she will follow the "Princess Pledge". 

Those of you who have seen Olivia (the cartoon with the cute little pig) are probably familiar with this. My little diva has been able to recite the pledge verbatim since the first time she saw "Princess for a Day" and, I, as her queen, use that to my advantage. 

"A princess promises to be pretty, happy, smell nice, sparkle a lot, sing happy songs very loudly, and never ever be mean." 

You can see how that kind of promise could really work in my favor. Usually, when she's being particularly petulant I will gasp, "Lorelai! What does a princess promise?!" and she'll often look properly chastised and mutter, "A princess promises to be nice." Then I'll egg her on a bit, "Oh good!! What else does a princess promise?" Then she'll recite her pledge and we'll move on giggling and happy with me patting myself on the back for derailing a tantrum. 

She must really be taking this thing seriously though. This morning I noticed that her nails were about a week overdue for a trim. She was watching the Spongebob Christmas special (again) and I thought I'd catch her while she was distracted. HA! 

Arching her back and making herself VERY heavy she adamantly informed me that we would not be cutting her nails. She's really very articulate when it comes to anything she doesn't want to do. So, after I caught her (damn she's fast) I sat her in my lap and started to cut. She was complaining so I invoked The Pledge. 

"Lorelai, what does a princess promise?"

"I not a princess." (Calmly)

"Yes you are!!! You're a beautiful princess. What does a princess promise? Does a princess promise to be nice?"

"I NOT a beautiful princess." Still perfectly matter-of-factly. Then, quoting the Spongebob special she declared simply, "I a very bad bad bad bad toy." 

She's so smart. So logical. It made perfect sense! Not only is she not bound by the Princess Pledge, she's also free to be as un-princessy as she likes. 

That round goes to Lorelai....