“I suggest a new strategy, R2. Let the wookiee win.”

Lorelai is really "into" patterns. She looks at life like a series of puzzles. Everything can be arranged into a sequence or system, organized and made sense of. One of our little patterns, or, routines, is to read through this backpack full of books she has. It's always the same books, always in order, and always in a loop until one of us, the parents, ends it and distracts her with something else. It starts with "Pinkalicious" as a warm up, and then we go to "If you give a mouse a Cookie" and we read through all of those books ("Give a Pig a Party", "Give a Cat a Cupcake" etc.). I think she loves those books because they are also a great play on cause and effect and that every action has a reaction and a consequence. They speak her language. Their rhythm is soothing and familiar to her. That rhythm, though, is catchy as hell. Since I have that nonsense stuck in my head, I decided to get it out. So, here you go.

If you give a Lorelai a juice box, chances are, she's going to ask for a snack to go with it.

So you'll take her to the kitchen, and she'll ask to go "Up in the mommy" so she can take fifteen minutes to touch everything while she tries to choose something out of the pantry.

She'll eventually choose the "circles" (Froot Loops) so you'll put her in her high chair.

When you give her the "circles" she'll want to sort them into groups. "Three red circles." "Four blue circles." "Two yellow circles." Then, she might notice that there are no purple circles.

When she notices there are no purple ones, she'll tell you purple is spelled P-U-R-P-L-E. Then she'll want you to listen to her spell the names of everyone she knows. Then she'll want to sing the Name Game.

You'll do Johnny, Johnny bo Bonny and Daddy, Daddy bo Baddy, and Oscar, Oscar bo Boscar, and Grandpa, Grandpa bo Bandpa, and Taylor, Taylor bo Baylor and Brittany, Brittany bo Bittany and eventually you'll make it through every friend and family member and start doing the names of the characters in her favorite shows.

Singing about Spongebob will make her want to watch the "Spongebob Christmas Special" (again). Then she'll want Spongebob fruit snacks.

You will be all out of Spongebob fruit snacks, and, after a brief Mommy panic attack, you will remember what Dr. Awesome tells you to try and you will give her a choice. Princess Fruit Snacks or Shark Bites? She will answer, "Spongebob". You will ask again, "Avengers Fruit Snacks or Nemo Bites"? She will answer, "Spongebob."

So you'll decide to go to the store.

She'll need to put on socks and shoes.  "First one goes on the right foot, then one goes on the left foot."

Next, she'll get "blanket and Olivia". Then she'll have to go to the car.

You'll remember that you need to try run some errands while you're out. So you'll grab a lunch bag full of nutrigrain bars, dum dums, juice boxes, raisins and goldfish, a charger for the tablet, and the visual schedule along with all the stickers you've made for the potential stops along the way. You hurriedly arrange the schedule and follow her out the door.

Before you leave the driveway you will show her the schedule tell her about her morning. "Publix, Post Office, Johnny's School." This will get the map song from Dora stuck in your head. All. Day.

Your first stop will be at the grocery store. You will have walk slow and hold hands while she spells all the words she sees. "O-P-E-N spells open." "W-E-T spells wet."

Since you chose to go to Publix, she will ask to drive in the race car. It will be "Lorelai's turn" to buckle her seat belt. It will be the only race car left and it will have a bum wheel so that it only makes smooth left turns forcing you to use all the strength in your body to keep it from veering off course and taking out the ankles of everyone you pass.

She will want to drive the race car to the bakery for a "sprinkle cookie". You will need to try very hard to see the cookie window before she does. If they do not have sprinkle cookies, you will start to really sing and dance like an off-Broadway Cookie Monster about how awesome chocolate chip is, to avoid a meltdown.

She will probably still have a meltdown.

Good thing you brought the tablet.

Playing on her tablet will calm her down and the music and games will remind her that she likes to sing. She will want to sing happy songs very loudly, because she has no inside voice. A sweet, but unfamiliar lady will hear her singing tell her she's cute and try to talk to her. This will make her instantly very nervous and very quiet and she will want to get out of the race car and crawl underneath your shirt like a creepy joey.

You'll carry her, exhausted, through the last few aisles, while struggling with the wonky race car cart and finally make your way to the check out line. There will be at least three people in front of you. She will see a bag of M&M's on the impulse rack and try to grab it and you will try as calmly and firmly as you can to tell her "No" (while hiding your terror as you brace yourself for the inevitable results). She will erupt, unconcerned with the watching eyes (she's still upset about the cookie and the strange lady). You will try to pretend you can't tell they're all staring at you while you try to distract her from the meltdown with a tablet she no longer wants.

Then, someone's phone will ring and their ring tone will be Maroon 5. She will stop and notice, and while catching her breath from her most recent meltdown, will ask you, "Mommy can we listen to Moves like Jagger?"

So you rush back to the car, where you will listen to "Moves Like Jagger". And then you will listen to "the Starfish song" (Starships, Nicki Minaj). And then you will listen to "Boom Boom Pow". And then you will listen to "We are never getting back together". This will continue for the rest of the trip.

As you are leaving Publix, you might pass a McDonald's. When she sees the McDonald's, she's going to ask you for some nuggets. "6-piece nuggets."

And chances are, if you skip the Post Office and decide to order nuggets, she's going to want a juice box to go with them.

Get the nuggets, get the juice box, you can't handle the Post Office and the grocery store in one day.

When you get home, she'll notice you left the TV on. Seeing Spongebob will remind her that she wanted Spongebob fruit snacks.

This will remind YOU, far too late, that Spongebob fruit snacks are the entire reason you left the house to begin with.

Pulling out the big guns, you will distract her with some Playdough and realize it's only 10am.

Happy Monday.